Tittyology

Money, Manifesting and Cancer

I know...this seems like an odd combo, right?

After all, what can money possibly have to do with cancer? (Well, lots.)

This post is another in the "What Cancer Teaches" series because believe it or not, I have learned a lot about money from having had cancer.

Look, I know that cancer is terrifying...I joke a lot and am prone to see the "upside" of things, but never think that I went blithely through cancer with a pollyanna attitude.

However, what I have seen is that every situation is meant to teach, if we let it.

This is what I've learned about money from cancer.

Manifesting, Cancer, and Money

I became fascinated with manifesting because I saw some pretty amazing things through the journey with cancer.

I saw teachers appear out of odd places.

Having such great teachers to walk alongside me and guide me through the process was, I think, one of the many miracles and blessings given to me.

For example, I signed up for an online branding class with Suzanne Falter-Barnes and Pam Slim (Get Known Now and Escape from Cubicle Nation, respectively). Even how I ended up in that class is pretty wild. I went to the Online Success Blueprint Workshop with Ali Brown. While there, I noticed a woman who always had on a cute hat, and I knew I was supposed to meet her. (I didn't want to seem wierd, but I finally got up the nerve and just parked myself beside her.) She told me about the online branding class....and I knew I needed to be in that class.

Through that class, I met Michele Lessirard (New Moon Journal) who put me in touch with Dr. Carol Tunney. (You should know that I met Michele because I "got" that I should tell her about the dream I had that I had cancer. So, I emailed her, telling her that if she thought I was crazy, then to just please ignore the email, that I realized how strange I must sound - especially coming from someone she didn't know.) She emailed me back, didn't think I was crazy - and ended up being an amazing resource and guide.

All four women proved to be wonderful teachers and guides. (If you'd like Dr. Tunney's contact information, just email me. Both she and Michele were key in my being able to move forward with grace and hope through cancer.)

Through cancer, I saw things happen in my body that weren't supposed to be medically possible...at the very least, the occurences were unusual.

Cancer forced me to "step into" a different way of being - an easier way. (My daddy always said "don't force things". I don't think I got what he meant...but with cancer, once I stopped fighting it and took action, amazing things happened.)

Looking back after the mastectomy, I noticed that all of the "miracles" I saw with cancer came "easily". In other words, the miracles were not accompanied by struggle...in fact, the miracles started when I stopped struggling. I didn't necessarily have to "do" anything. It had more to do with the way I was being.

The Cancer Connection to Money

Having seen what I had seen with cancer, I began to wonder why money sometimes flowed and sometimes didn't. Money had always seemed hard to me, like there was some trick to it I didn't "get" or know how to use.

Money seemed like a puzzle I'd never put together.

My reasoning was that if it was that "easy" to manifest physical miracles, then why should money be that difficult.

In typical "Sandra" fashion, I became obsessed with understanding what I had done with the cancer to get the results I had gotten, and I became just as obsessed with understanding money. I knew on a gut level that whatever I had done with the cancer was key to my questions around money.

I read and reread certain books. I sought teachers and went to classes. I knew I was onto something and wasn't stopping until I had answers.

Here's (some of) What I Learned

1. Trust that you have access to everything you need and that all you need will be provided. Teachers appeared, calcifications disappeared. The wa to the money is there. You don't need to struggle over it. Finding the money lies in what you love.
2. Fear is an opportunity to learn to trust. Fear around money is, mamy times, a fear that we won't be provided for. It's an oppoortunity to understand that our security is not in things or money, that real security lies within.
3. Listen to that little voice - it is the voice of God. Everyone is born with this. There's a verse I love from Isaiah 30:21. It says, "Whether you turn to the left or to the right, You will hear a voice behind you saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" The part about turning to the left or to the right basically means, "Don't worry about your direction or where you are, know that you are guided."
4. Decide where you want your focus (decide what you want) and keep it there - cancer was a life or death situation. I was in a situation where I could not afford to think about the alternative. I didn't think about "surviving". I thought about "health", a body that was "clear"...not just about being "cancer free". (There's a fine line of difference here, but it's an important one.) With money, I realized I was thinking about not having it or thinking about paying off debt...the fcous there may seem like money - but the focus was really a "lack of money" or on debt. It was a focus that was creating more of what I didn't want.
5. Picture what you want - not what you don't want. (See #3.) We control the pictures and images that go across our mind. Getting control of these images can feel like getting control of a pack of sled dogs...but it can be done. You are in control.
6. Live from what you love, from who you truly are. I attended Baeth Davis' LPVR workshop shortly after the mastectomy. Baeth knew of my abilities as an intuitive - and she also knew that I was reluctant to be open about it. (I spent years trying to hide this or turn it off. I used to feel like a freak about it.) While at the workshop, Baeth put me in front of the entire group (I did't know she was going to do this, but I'm glad she did). She put me up there and told me to "do my thing". People asked me questions about their health, business, relationships..and I provided answers. I'll be forever grateful to Baeth for helping me come out of the "spiritual closet". What's important about this is to know that my being open to the gift, being fully present in who I am, and serving others with this ability, led to an influx of money. Standing authentically in who you are leads to abundance in all areas of your life...this is the crux of Soul First Living.
7. Study...how else are you supposed to learn? My best friend is Muslim. She told me that when you get to the pearly gates, you'll be asked to tell God what you learned. Your mental faculties and the ability to grow them is a gift - and you are expected to use it. If you want to know about money, study it. (I've provided the links to some books below.)
8. Reframe your stories - What are your stories around money and where do they come from? Circumstances are simply circumstances. You can't change what's happened, but you absolutely control what you tell yourself about those circumstances. Are you a victim or a victor? Did you grow up in a house that lived paycheck to paycheck? Instead of thinking that this is the way it has to be, tell yourself that it taught you to be resourceful.
9. Know that EVERYTHING happens for your good...no matter what it may look like or how bad it may seem. Perhaps the bills are piling up to teach you how to face obstacles head on...instead of piling the bills, call the companies and work out an arrangement with them to repay.
10. The greater the obstacle, the greater the opportunity. The key to finding the opportunity in the obstacle is to know that the opportunity is inherent in the obstacle. Your perspective makes all the difference.

Resources:

These are 4 books that I've read (and reread) to understand Money.

• As a Man Thinketh by James Allen
• The Science of Getting Rich by Wallace Wattles
• Your Invisible Power by Genevieve Behrend
• The Miracle of Tithing: A Little Book of Answers to Questions about Tithing by Mark Victor Hansen (Chicken Soup for the Soul Guy)

 

Scars Update and Stories

I happened to notice that my scar on the left-hand side is starting to fade. (I'll post a picture later...not in the mood at the moment.)

I went to see both docs for my one-year check-up in July, and Dr. Roettinger, my plastic surgeon, was surprised and bothered that my scars - what I call the racing stripes - were still a fairly bright purple. They aren't raised up like htey were initially, but the color hadn't improved that much.

I wasn't terribly surprised as I have a tendency to scar easily...and when I get a scar, it takes for-ev-er for it to go away. (It was a bummer growing up in the south, having mosquitoes LOVE me, and being one who scarred easily...I wanted to swat not only the mosquitoes, but anyone who told me "just don't scratch it". Grrrr. You try it.)

What surprised me was that Roettinger was so sure initially that they'd be faded, or on their way to fading so quickly...I know my body, and while I was hoping he was right, I didn't get my hopes up on that one.

Truth be told, I really don't mind the scars. They are my daily reminder of how strong I am, and that I can do anything. They also remind me that whatever problem I'm facing in my business...it's NOTHING compared to facing cancer.

I think I've mentioned this before, but my brother says, "Scars ain't nothin' but a story." - and don't we all have quite a story to go with the scars across our chests?

Speaking of stories...whatever story you have about your scars and your run-in with cancer, please make sure it's a story that serves you, that makes you a winner. See your scars as signs of how strong YOU are, how resilient, how tough. See them as stripes from a battle YOU are winning (no matter how your battle is going physically)...cancer can touch your body, but it can never take or touch your spirit - unless you let it.

Anyway, when I noticed this scar, it seemed odd because only a piece of the scar seems to be fading...perhaps I won't have my scars tattooed after all. (I was contemplating tattooing if they remained the bright purple color...the upside to the numbness is that I wouldn't feel anything!)

Plus, I wouldn't want the tattoing to cover the scars. I actually like being able to see them.

In Times of Trouble

I just discovered this resource...whether you believe in prayer or not, if you think of prayer as the constant thoughts you hold, then maybe it becomes easier to accept.

Either way, what have you got to lose. Give it a shot.

Go here to read the post on Soul First Living about this prayer site.TImes of trouble are the perfect opportunity to discover new gifts and abilities...and in this case, there's no better time to learn to use prayer.

Go at the cancer with all you have - mental, emotional, medical, spiritual...everything.

This site can help.

Why I didn't like my doctors - at first

Now, I rave about my doctors...I adore them, but when I first met them, I wasn't terribly fond of them.

Someone recently diagnosed was asking me about Dr. O'Connor. I could tell she wasn't too sure about him, and even though I love him now and appreciate his wonderful work, I remember not liking him too much at first, either...and it had nothing at all to do with him.

I simply didn't like what he was telling me...it's the old "don't kill the messenger" relationship.

I met Dr. O'Connor for the first time after the core needle biopsy. I was aware that the other doctor recommended going in and taking a bigger sample in order to get a better look...I just didn't realize how big that sample would be.

The truth is, I liked Dr. O'Connor just fine right up until he told me how much he was going to take out.

I freaked....and suddenly, I didn't like him anymore.

When I asked him how much he thought he was going to take, he put his fingers together to form a fairly good sized circle and said, "Oh, nothing bigger than a golf ball." Judging from his fingers - which, to me, looked bigger than your average golf ball, I pointed out that he may as well just take the whole boob and then just replace it because I wasn't going to have anything left! (If you haven't seen what my boobs looked like before...take a peek at the before pics in the gallery. Doesn't look like a lot to work with there, does it?)

He assured me that I wasn't going to have a huge hole in my chest and that I wouldn't be deformed. (I didn't believe him at all not one bit.) But, he was right. It made my left side a bit smaller, but there was no hole and nothing was noticeable except the incision mark which was very neatly done.

Point is...I realized the other day that I liked each of them up until they told me something I didn't want to hear. It's not easy to like the person that has to say, "It was cancer...and by they way, we're going to cut off various parts of your body and leave you with scars...and oh, you're going to have to do chemo, etc,etc, etc."

I wonder how many other people have this initial reaction of dislike?

(I'm embarassed to say that I even questioned their competence at times...all due to extreme fear on my part.) There's a feeling of panic, of wanting to be able to just run, and with no other outlet, this fear can show up as anger or dislike for the doctors.

(If your doctor's a jerk...get a new one, but that was not the case with either of these guys.)

As much as I love Dr. Roettinger now, too...after all, my boobs look great...I didn't like him there for a while either. I liked him up to the point where he told me he couldn't guarantee I'd get silicone or saline right away as it would depend on skin and site condition...and I really didn't like him when he only gave me a range for the size implants he'd put in....that it'd be up to his judgement in the OR. This completely freaked me out as I like to have all the answers up front. (God forbid I should let a professional who's been doing this a LONG time use his judgement! I just wanted to scream, "But, I'm DIFFERENT!!!)

(I think a post on learning to "let go of control" may be in order under - What Cancer Teaches. Grin.)

Looking back, this is one thing I wish I'd known to perhaps expect. It's okay to get second opinions, but what I really wanted was someone to tell me something I wanted to hear like, "Oh, we made a mistake. There's no need for any of this. You can go home and forget all this happened."

But, that was not how it was to be, and that's okay.

Many thanks, again, to Dr. O'Connor and Dr. Roettinger...both wonderfully talented men to whom I'm exceedingly grateful...not only for their skill but for their patience. Neither of them were ever visibly annoyed with me...lord knows, I probably gave them reason.

Learning to Listen

I have said, and continue to assert, that cancer was one of the best things that has happened to me. This statement shocks some people, angers others, and that's okay. It shocked me the first time it came out of my mouth, and the gal with whom I was speaking last night was a bit incredulous.

(I've also said I would never wish it upon anyone. Yet, given the opportunity, I wouldn't trade what I've learned even if it meant I could erase having had cancer.)

And it's the truth. I am grateful for the experience. (And I exhale hugely as I write that and think over those dark, depressing months.) Yet, I am still grateful.

But, grateful for what exactly? 

- Awareness of a perpetual state of grace?

-Grateful to be alive and healthy?

These things are true but never felt complete.

Then, last night, I figured it out...actually, I figured it out in the process of talking with this gal who was recently diagnosed. I always find that in the process of trying to help someone else, I benefit ten-fold.

In talking with this wonderful, strong woman, and trying to help her as best I could through that fog that descends when you hear that you have cancer... In the process, I had my eyes opened, my own fog lifted.

As I spoke with her, I got it.

I think the explanation that I gave her was as much for my benefit.

WHAT CANCER TAUGHT ME - The Big Blessing:

Above and beyond anything, cancer taught me to listen to the voice of God.

Call it whatever you like - the universe, spirit - I call it all of these things. But THAT is what cancer taught me, to listen to that "still, small voice" - and to trust it, to act anyway, to do what it says to do...even in the face of mind-numbing fear, even in the face of uncertainty, and especially when I can't figure things out myself. (That's usually when we need to listen most.)

The "voice" became very clear shortly after I got the second call saying that they weren't so sure the biopsy results were "nothing". I began to hear it as clearly as though someone were standing in the room with me. I'll never forget it. It startled me...and made me laugh. (I now believe God has a very healthy sense of humor!)

Cancer and the journey beyond has been all about listening and following that voice.

Here's the image that came to mind:

My father was a Marine - very good at what he did, highly decorated. If you had to go into battle, this was the man you wanted with you.

At one point, daddy was a drill instructor (D.I.) at Parris Island. (Tough place...I'm sure my daddy was responsible for making the lives of lots of young Marines quite miserable.)

I remember him saying that one of the things, above all others, that they have to teach these young Marines is to hear the voice of their commander above everyone else's on the field because in battle, it's the difference between life and death. You have to be able to hear the voice and distinguish it amongst the cacophany of guns and chaos in order to make it - for the benefit of not only yourself, but also for everyone else.

Cancer taught me to hear that voice and act...and there were some things that I thought were illogical, that didn't make sense to me, but I did them anyway...to the tune of driving five hours to Vermont to see a woman I didn't know, not sure of why I was going to see her, but knowing that I had to go. (She turned out to be a wonderful guide and teacher. She's an ob/gyn and a practicing shaman.) Seeing her was the beginning of my physical healing. She helped me align the inside so that the outside could right itself. Through her, my peace of mind was restored. I entered a state of grace...in which I knew I could face anything.

So, how do you follow that voice? How do you know that it's God's voice and not your own?

Great question. Here are some tips.

1. It's accompanied by a sense of calm. There's never fear involved in the intital directive. Even the dream that I had that told me that I had cancer...when I woke up, I knew the dream was true. There was no fear. The times I experienced extreme, crippling fear was when I was trying to "figure things out" on my own, from solely an "I" perspective. Fear is normal. We are human, but we are called to follow the voice anyway.
2. Don't worry about "missing it". If you miss the first message, God will send you others.
3. The voice can come through in many ways. The messages can come in dreams, thoughts that you have and then hear from someone else or see again in a book. (I don't believe in coincidence.)Perhaps a certain animal appears to you repeatedly. It can also be as clear as another person in the room. It can be a desire or a hunch. 

Do I follow this voice perfectly? Am I always in step? Nope. Wish I could say differently. But I'm on the path. After cancer, I know the voice when I hear it. It's now familiar instead of foreign.

It took a desperate, terrifying situation for me to learn to listen. I laugh at what it took to get my attention...I was an amazingly willing listener when I was faced with the possibity of an early death.

And the truth is that I will always be grateful for the experience.

I pray that the next time I'm faced with what seems to be a terrible situation, that I will have more faith, trust God's providence, know that it's all part of a bigger plan and remember to listen.

Getting over the Fear

I've had people ask me how I got over the fear. The truth is that it wasn't easy. No one wants to be faced with death, either their own or that of someone they love. I'm no different or stronger than anyone else.

I think there's no single answer for getting beyond the fear, and frankly, I don't know that you get beyond the fear. The knowledge or reality of cancer doesn't go away. It's there. Rather I learned that I could live with it. You make peace with it. After all, it was a part of my life. I learned that this fact could be there, and I could still be happy, laugh, and live life.

The fear was all-consuming at first. It was extreme panic...I was afraid that I would have cancer. I was afraid of causing pain to my husband, mom and family if I did have it. I was terrified of causing them that kind of pain. After all, what if I didn't make it if I did have it? I was afraid of not accomplishing things, of not having children. I was afraid of the unknown.

The truth is, we always live in the unknown. Cancer just makes this fact abundantly clear. Nothing is for certain...except change and death, as they say.

So, how did I get over it?? I don't think it was just one thing. It was a combination of many things which I'll share over several posts.

In no particular order, the following helped me get over, or around, my fear:

• Reaching out for help
• Researching - learning everything I could about cancer. It is not unconquerable or impossible to understand.
• Attending the YSC conference
• Looking for what cancer could teach me - illness can be a wonderful, if harsh, teacher
• Realizing that the cancer wasn't the totality of my life
• Discovering energy medicine and that healing can be more than just physical in nature
• Reading or watching funny books and movies
• Asking for what I needed - prayer, good thoughts, help with the dishes
• Taking time to just "be" - cancer forced me to do this, and I feel blessed to have been in a situation where I could do just that..."be"
• Visualization - you can create your experience of life.
• Journeying - I'll explain what this is and how it helped.

In following posts, I will elaborate on and add to this list. Each person's journey and experience is different. It helped me to hear others' experiences and suggestions. I hope it will help you to hear mine.

How have you gotten beyond the fear? How have you dealt with it when it creeps back?

Permission to be afraid

The nature of cancer is fear...I'm not saying it's the cause necessarily, unless you equate fear with an absence of love, but that's another discussion. (And I'm not saying that we cause our cancer. There are too many variables.)

When I say fear here, I'm talking about the "punch in the gut" when you realize that you are suddenly connected to this thing called "cancer", this thing that is so desperately feared in our culture.

So, the first response for many people is fear...actually, I would say it's more in line with "terror".

Cancer seems so big...and some are worse than others, but that doesn't matter because it's the big "C". What I noticed is the fear in other people when I told them my diagnosis. You can see and feel the other person's fear of the disease. This was the reaction I got from people, which I found both understandable and interesting...and one of the reasons that there's a great need for more understanding of this disease.

Cancer has such a reputation that, when you hear cancer, you immediately think "death", "suffering", and sometimes "undefeatable". I think these are all normal reactions. It was certainly my fear last fall before I was even diagnosed...when there was just the possibility of cancer. It makes oyu think of all the things you may not get to do. Your imagination can run wild as you picture what your life may become.

It's a crummy place to be, and needlesss to say, a scary place...the unknown, facing an enemy that's defeated many people. Never mind all the people who have beaten it, some more than once, and gone on to live full lives. That's simply not our first thought when we hear "cancer". I should say, that was not my first thoughts at even the possibility of cancer...my mind didn't immediately go to all the people who have won against the disease. (I wish I were that enlightened!) It went first to my aunts who had died so young...and I wondered if that would be my fate as well.

This is cancer's effect and also what makes it, or any other disease, dangerous. Fear suppresses the immune system at a time when you need it most. BUT, the last thing you need is denial. Do not try to be brave...not for yourself or anyone else. Feel the feelings, and you will eventually move through them.

Know that the fear is normal; it is human, and you can get through the fear. I eventually did.