Why I didn't like my doctors - at first

Now, I rave about my doctors...I adore them, but when I first met them, I wasn't terribly fond of them.

Someone recently diagnosed was asking me about Dr. O'Connor. I could tell she wasn't too sure about him, and even though I love him now and appreciate his wonderful work, I remember not liking him too much at first, either...and it had nothing at all to do with him.

I simply didn't like what he was telling me...it's the old "don't kill the messenger" relationship.

I met Dr. O'Connor for the first time after the core needle biopsy. I was aware that the other doctor recommended going in and taking a bigger sample in order to get a better look...I just didn't realize how big that sample would be.

The truth is, I liked Dr. O'Connor just fine right up until he told me how much he was going to take out.

I freaked....and suddenly, I didn't like him anymore.

When I asked him how much he thought he was going to take, he put his fingers together to form a fairly good sized circle and said, "Oh, nothing bigger than a golf ball." Judging from his fingers - which, to me, looked bigger than your average golf ball, I pointed out that he may as well just take the whole boob and then just replace it because I wasn't going to have anything left! (If you haven't seen what my boobs looked like before...take a peek at the before pics in the gallery. Doesn't look like a lot to work with there, does it?)

He assured me that I wasn't going to have a huge hole in my chest and that I wouldn't be deformed. (I didn't believe him at all not one bit.) But, he was right. It made my left side a bit smaller, but there was no hole and nothing was noticeable except the incision mark which was very neatly done.

Point is...I realized the other day that I liked each of them up until they told me something I didn't want to hear. It's not easy to like the person that has to say, "It was cancer...and by they way, we're going to cut off various parts of your body and leave you with scars...and oh, you're going to have to do chemo, etc,etc, etc."

I wonder how many other people have this initial reaction of dislike?

(I'm embarassed to say that I even questioned their competence at times...all due to extreme fear on my part.) There's a feeling of panic, of wanting to be able to just run, and with no other outlet, this fear can show up as anger or dislike for the doctors.

(If your doctor's a jerk...get a new one, but that was not the case with either of these guys.)

As much as I love Dr. Roettinger now, too...after all, my boobs look great...I didn't like him there for a while either. I liked him up to the point where he told me he couldn't guarantee I'd get silicone or saline right away as it would depend on skin and site condition...and I really didn't like him when he only gave me a range for the size implants he'd put in....that it'd be up to his judgement in the OR. This completely freaked me out as I like to have all the answers up front. (God forbid I should let a professional who's been doing this a LONG time use his judgement! I just wanted to scream, "But, I'm DIFFERENT!!!)

(I think a post on learning to "let go of control" may be in order under - What Cancer Teaches. Grin.)

Looking back, this is one thing I wish I'd known to perhaps expect. It's okay to get second opinions, but what I really wanted was someone to tell me something I wanted to hear like, "Oh, we made a mistake. There's no need for any of this. You can go home and forget all this happened."

But, that was not how it was to be, and that's okay.

Many thanks, again, to Dr. O'Connor and Dr. Roettinger...both wonderfully talented men to whom I'm exceedingly grateful...not only for their skill but for their patience. Neither of them were ever visibly annoyed with me...lord knows, I probably gave them reason.