Learning to Listen
I have said, and continue to assert, that cancer was one of the best things that has happened to me. This statement shocks some people, angers others, and that's okay. It shocked me the first time it came out of my mouth, and the gal with whom I was speaking last night was a bit incredulous.
(I've also said I would never wish it upon anyone. Yet, given the opportunity, I wouldn't trade what I've learned even if it meant I could erase having had cancer.)
And it's the truth. I am grateful for the experience. (And I exhale hugely as I write that and think over those dark, depressing months.) Yet, I am still grateful.
But, grateful for what exactly?
- Awareness of a perpetual state of grace?
-Grateful to be alive and healthy?
These things are true but never felt complete.
Then, last night, I figured it out...actually, I figured it out in the process of talking with this gal who was recently diagnosed. I always find that in the process of trying to help someone else, I benefit ten-fold.
In talking with this wonderful, strong woman, and trying to help her as best I could through that fog that descends when you hear that you have cancer... In the process, I had my eyes opened, my own fog lifted.
As I spoke with her, I got it.
I think the explanation that I gave her was as much for my benefit.
WHAT CANCER TAUGHT ME - The Big Blessing:
Above and beyond anything, cancer taught me to listen to the voice of God.
Call it whatever you like - the universe, spirit - I call it all of these things. But THAT is what cancer taught me, to listen to that "still, small voice" - and to trust it, to act anyway, to do what it says to do...even in the face of mind-numbing fear, even in the face of uncertainty, and especially when I can't figure things out myself. (That's usually when we need to listen most.)
The "voice" became very clear shortly after I got the second call saying that they weren't so sure the biopsy results were "nothing". I began to hear it as clearly as though someone were standing in the room with me. I'll never forget it. It startled me...and made me laugh. (I now believe God has a very healthy sense of humor!)
Cancer and the journey beyond has been all about listening and following that voice.
Here's the image that came to mind:
My father was a Marine - very good at what he did, highly decorated. If you had to go into battle, this was the man you wanted with you.
At one point, daddy was a drill instructor (D.I.) at Parris Island. (Tough place...I'm sure my daddy was responsible for making the lives of lots of young Marines quite miserable.)
I remember him saying that one of the things, above all others, that they have to teach these young Marines is to hear the voice of their commander above everyone else's on the field because in battle, it's the difference between life and death. You have to be able to hear the voice and distinguish it amongst the cacophany of guns and chaos in order to make it - for the benefit of not only yourself, but also for everyone else.
Cancer taught me to hear that voice and act...and there were some things that I thought were illogical, that didn't make sense to me, but I did them anyway...to the tune of driving five hours to Vermont to see a woman I didn't know, not sure of why I was going to see her, but knowing that I had to go. (She turned out to be a wonderful guide and teacher. She's an ob/gyn and a practicing shaman.) Seeing her was the beginning of my physical healing. She helped me align the inside so that the outside could right itself. Through her, my peace of mind was restored. I entered a state of grace...in which I knew I could face anything.
So, how do you follow that voice? How do you know that it's God's voice and not your own?
Great question. Here are some tips.
- It's accompanied by a sense of calm. There's never fear involved in the intital directive. Even the dream that I had that told me that I had cancer...when I woke up, I knew the dream was true. There was no fear. The times I experienced extreme, crippling fear was when I was trying to "figure things out" on my own, from solely an "I" perspective. Fear is normal. We are human, but we are called to follow the voice anyway.
- Don't worry about "missing it". If you miss the first message, God will send you others.
- The voice can come through in many ways. The messages can come in dreams, thoughts that you have and then hear from someone else or see again in a book. (I don't believe in coincidence.)Perhaps a certain animal appears to you repeatedly. It can also be as clear as another person in the room. It can be a desire or a hunch.
Do I follow this voice perfectly? Am I always in step? Nope. Wish I could say differently. But I'm on the path. After cancer, I know the voice when I hear it. It's now familiar instead of foreign.
It took a desperate, terrifying situation for me to learn to listen. I laugh at what it took to get my attention...I was an amazingly willing listener when I was faced with the possibity of an early death.
And the truth is that I will always be grateful for the experience.
I pray that the next time I'm faced with what seems to be a terrible situation, that I will have more faith, trust God's providence, know that it's all part of a bigger plan and remember to listen.
