Tittyology

Saying "No"...to bigger boobs

Box office...or Boob Office.

Keira Knightley says, "no", to digitally enhanced boobs. Good for her! Her "A" cups are perfect for her frame.

As much as I like my bigger boobs, I would have been perfectly content with the smaller ones were they to have remained healthy.

Hollywood and the media have equated bust size with sex appeal and femininity. Yes, breasts are a feminine feature, but it isn't the totality of being feminine and neither do they necessarily enhance or diminish sex appeal... that's got much more to do with how you see yourself.

There is not one standard for beauty...although the media would have us think otherwise.

I have to admit, though, that it would have been nice to have had this technology available to digitally "test out" various breast sizes before hand.

It reminds me of "Cinderella" when the mice were turned into carriage drivers. In this case, it's the mouse that's got the magic.

Oh, if only our cancer surgeries and treatments were as easy as a mouse click.

Why I didn't like my doctors - at first

Now, I rave about my doctors...I adore them, but when I first met them, I wasn't terribly fond of them.

Someone recently diagnosed was asking me about Dr. O'Connor. I could tell she wasn't too sure about him, and even though I love him now and appreciate his wonderful work, I remember not liking him too much at first, either...and it had nothing at all to do with him.

I simply didn't like what he was telling me...it's the old "don't kill the messenger" relationship.

I met Dr. O'Connor for the first time after the core needle biopsy. I was aware that the other doctor recommended going in and taking a bigger sample in order to get a better look...I just didn't realize how big that sample would be.

The truth is, I liked Dr. O'Connor just fine right up until he told me how much he was going to take out.

I freaked....and suddenly, I didn't like him anymore.

When I asked him how much he thought he was going to take, he put his fingers together to form a fairly good sized circle and said, "Oh, nothing bigger than a golf ball." Judging from his fingers - which, to me, looked bigger than your average golf ball, I pointed out that he may as well just take the whole boob and then just replace it because I wasn't going to have anything left! (If you haven't seen what my boobs looked like before...take a peek at the before pics in the gallery. Doesn't look like a lot to work with there, does it?)

He assured me that I wasn't going to have a huge hole in my chest and that I wouldn't be deformed. (I didn't believe him at all not one bit.) But, he was right. It made my left side a bit smaller, but there was no hole and nothing was noticeable except the incision mark which was very neatly done.

Point is...I realized the other day that I liked each of them up until they told me something I didn't want to hear. It's not easy to like the person that has to say, "It was cancer...and by they way, we're going to cut off various parts of your body and leave you with scars...and oh, you're going to have to do chemo, etc,etc, etc."

I wonder how many other people have this initial reaction of dislike?

(I'm embarassed to say that I even questioned their competence at times...all due to extreme fear on my part.) There's a feeling of panic, of wanting to be able to just run, and with no other outlet, this fear can show up as anger or dislike for the doctors.

(If your doctor's a jerk...get a new one, but that was not the case with either of these guys.)

As much as I love Dr. Roettinger now, too...after all, my boobs look great...I didn't like him there for a while either. I liked him up to the point where he told me he couldn't guarantee I'd get silicone or saline right away as it would depend on skin and site condition...and I really didn't like him when he only gave me a range for the size implants he'd put in....that it'd be up to his judgement in the OR. This completely freaked me out as I like to have all the answers up front. (God forbid I should let a professional who's been doing this a LONG time use his judgement! I just wanted to scream, "But, I'm DIFFERENT!!!)

(I think a post on learning to "let go of control" may be in order under - What Cancer Teaches. Grin.)

Looking back, this is one thing I wish I'd known to perhaps expect. It's okay to get second opinions, but what I really wanted was someone to tell me something I wanted to hear like, "Oh, we made a mistake. There's no need for any of this. You can go home and forget all this happened."

But, that was not how it was to be, and that's okay.

Many thanks, again, to Dr. O'Connor and Dr. Roettinger...both wonderfully talented men to whom I'm exceedingly grateful...not only for their skill but for their patience. Neither of them were ever visibly annoyed with me...lord knows, I probably gave them reason.

Learning to Listen

I have said, and continue to assert, that cancer was one of the best things that has happened to me. This statement shocks some people, angers others, and that's okay. It shocked me the first time it came out of my mouth, and the gal with whom I was speaking last night was a bit incredulous.

(I've also said I would never wish it upon anyone. Yet, given the opportunity, I wouldn't trade what I've learned even if it meant I could erase having had cancer.)

And it's the truth. I am grateful for the experience. (And I exhale hugely as I write that and think over those dark, depressing months.) Yet, I am still grateful.

But, grateful for what exactly? 

- Awareness of a perpetual state of grace?

-Grateful to be alive and healthy?

These things are true but never felt complete.

Then, last night, I figured it out...actually, I figured it out in the process of talking with this gal who was recently diagnosed. I always find that in the process of trying to help someone else, I benefit ten-fold.

In talking with this wonderful, strong woman, and trying to help her as best I could through that fog that descends when you hear that you have cancer... In the process, I had my eyes opened, my own fog lifted.

As I spoke with her, I got it.

I think the explanation that I gave her was as much for my benefit.

WHAT CANCER TAUGHT ME - The Big Blessing:

Above and beyond anything, cancer taught me to listen to the voice of God.

Call it whatever you like - the universe, spirit - I call it all of these things. But THAT is what cancer taught me, to listen to that "still, small voice" - and to trust it, to act anyway, to do what it says to do...even in the face of mind-numbing fear, even in the face of uncertainty, and especially when I can't figure things out myself. (That's usually when we need to listen most.)

The "voice" became very clear shortly after I got the second call saying that they weren't so sure the biopsy results were "nothing". I began to hear it as clearly as though someone were standing in the room with me. I'll never forget it. It startled me...and made me laugh. (I now believe God has a very healthy sense of humor!)

Cancer and the journey beyond has been all about listening and following that voice.

Here's the image that came to mind:

My father was a Marine - very good at what he did, highly decorated. If you had to go into battle, this was the man you wanted with you.

At one point, daddy was a drill instructor (D.I.) at Parris Island. (Tough place...I'm sure my daddy was responsible for making the lives of lots of young Marines quite miserable.)

I remember him saying that one of the things, above all others, that they have to teach these young Marines is to hear the voice of their commander above everyone else's on the field because in battle, it's the difference between life and death. You have to be able to hear the voice and distinguish it amongst the cacophany of guns and chaos in order to make it - for the benefit of not only yourself, but also for everyone else.

Cancer taught me to hear that voice and act...and there were some things that I thought were illogical, that didn't make sense to me, but I did them anyway...to the tune of driving five hours to Vermont to see a woman I didn't know, not sure of why I was going to see her, but knowing that I had to go. (She turned out to be a wonderful guide and teacher. She's an ob/gyn and a practicing shaman.) Seeing her was the beginning of my physical healing. She helped me align the inside so that the outside could right itself. Through her, my peace of mind was restored. I entered a state of grace...in which I knew I could face anything.

So, how do you follow that voice? How do you know that it's God's voice and not your own?

Great question. Here are some tips.

1. It's accompanied by a sense of calm. There's never fear involved in the intital directive. Even the dream that I had that told me that I had cancer...when I woke up, I knew the dream was true. There was no fear. The times I experienced extreme, crippling fear was when I was trying to "figure things out" on my own, from solely an "I" perspective. Fear is normal. We are human, but we are called to follow the voice anyway.
2. Don't worry about "missing it". If you miss the first message, God will send you others.
3. The voice can come through in many ways. The messages can come in dreams, thoughts that you have and then hear from someone else or see again in a book. (I don't believe in coincidence.)Perhaps a certain animal appears to you repeatedly. It can also be as clear as another person in the room. It can be a desire or a hunch. 

Do I follow this voice perfectly? Am I always in step? Nope. Wish I could say differently. But I'm on the path. After cancer, I know the voice when I hear it. It's now familiar instead of foreign.

It took a desperate, terrifying situation for me to learn to listen. I laugh at what it took to get my attention...I was an amazingly willing listener when I was faced with the possibity of an early death.

And the truth is that I will always be grateful for the experience.

I pray that the next time I'm faced with what seems to be a terrible situation, that I will have more faith, trust God's providence, know that it's all part of a bigger plan and remember to listen.

Remember this song?

A friend of mine just sent this to me. Thought it was a hoot! (Or should I say hoot -er?)

Click Here to see the ECard she sent. Thanks Shan!

Beautiful, (slightly) droopy boobs

Here's the first installation in the boobs from the St. Louis Museum of Art. It has me wondering...what's the difference between this and something lude? (I think on a visceral level, we know the difference. It's an instinctive reaction based on how we were raised.)

My question is more along the lines of how is it that we can have boobs all over an art museum and people are appalled at a woman breastfeeding? Granted, even I think they should have one of those covers.

I just think it would be interesting to trace the booby boundaries...what's acceptable and what's not - not only that but also WHY? As in, why are certain things acceptable and others not.

I learned that when they did the article in the ProJo last year, there was a big discussion about using the word boob or breast in the title or subtitle of the article. If you'll notice, it doesn't say "breast cancer", just "cancer.

I really don't care one way or the other. Just an interesting note.

I like this painting because the boobs are realistic. They're a little droopy and point downward and to the side instead of the idealized boobs with nipples that point straight ahead.

Title: "Woman (in Strong Light)", 1912, oil on canvas

Artist: Emil Nolde, German

Boobies, Birthdays, and Beauty

It's official - one year ago today I became officially cancer-free. (So, booby pictures are in order. They're at the bottom. I'll put some in the picture gallery so it's easier to see the comparison and how they've healed over a year.)

I celebrated (again) today. I'm a firm believer in celebrating...whatever form it may take. Often, I like the quiet, peaceful sort.

Today, I took myself to the St.Louis Art Museum at Forest Park. (Hubs had to work.)

I had an absolutely perfect day. I caught the train from Scott Air Force Base. I stopped at Burger King on the way to the train for a Dr. Pepper, hashbrowns and the zesty sauce. (The zesty sauce is horseradishey fabulousness.) No preaching please on what may be in the sauce...I started happily eating junk food after I was diagnosed. No guilt. Everything in moderation is what I say.

I caught the train. (Thoroughly enjoy trains! The metro here is extremely clean!) It's about an hour ride to the park where the museum is located. I saw several cardinals on the way in...and a red-tailed hawk. (My favorite.) So, my day started with what is a big thrill for me.

My entire day was filled with beauty - and I think the importance of beauty is all too underrated. Beauty supports the soul, enriches it. Beauty inspires, uplifts and speaks to our highest inclinations as humans.

Check out this view walking up to the museum!

...and this view looking out from the museum. 

The museum was lovely. (I'm one that simply adores that "museum" smell.)

Perhaps it was due to the "booby" centered nature of my celebration today, but as I walked through the museum, I couldn't help but notice all the boobs!

I first noticed these scantily clad ladies outside the museum. Granted, they're Greek (or reminiscent of the Greek statues)...so, you kind of expect them to be baring the "breasticles". (She had a bare-breasted friend on the other side of the door.)

Then, I stepped inside (thank God for air-conditioning...it was hot!)....I stepped inside and more breasts popped out at me...much more tasteful, however, than a certain booby-baring Super-Bowl incident.

In each corner of the main atrium stood an onyx nude - a different female nude in each corner. (Actually, there was a guy in one corner and one of the nudes was on the side.)

I traipsed through the musem, having a ball...in the past I've been maniacal about seeing everything. Today was nice because I floated through stopping only at those things that called to me, that really caught my attention.

As I made my way through (and noticed it was okay to take pictures) I began to snap a picture everytime I saw tatas...or partial tatas....there's lots of booby content in art. (I also got busted once for using the flash - a violation of all museum etiquette everywhere.)

I'll be posting the pictures of the museum boobies periodically.

Until then, here's one of the paintings. I chose this one because I think these are the most perfect boobs of all the shots. This gals' are round, full...gorgeous. Unfortunately, she's not going to be around much longer to enjoy them...and neither will her hubby - be enjoying her boobies that is. She's dying due to the arrow that he's currently pulling out of her chest.

This painting by Joachim Wtewael (Dutch) called "Cephalus and Procris" shows Cephalus pulling an arrow from between Procris' bountiful boobies. Apparently, he said he was going hunting. She thought he was seeing someone else. So, she follows him and hides in a bush. (Make your own jokes.)

Cephalus sees movement in the bush, thinks it's an animal, and shoots. Unfortunately for Procris, her hubs is a great shot.

After taking in one floor, I took myself to lunch.

Like I said, today especially was a day for beauty. So, I checked out the cafe and decided on the restaurant on the second floor....white tablecloths, servers, soft music...aaahhhh.

I was in the mood (always am) to have a beautifully prepared and plated meal, in beautiful surroundings with a good glass of wine...and that's exactly what I had.

I sat overlooking the sculpture garden (or part of it) and the waterfall. Part of the ceiling was glassed so that I could see the sky.

I had the roasted beet salad with herbed goat cheese and a glass of Blanc Baordeaux, Chateau Monjosse (??). I suddenly can't remember the winery. I've been wanting to try a white French Bordeaux and there happened to be one on the menu. Voila!

...I just LOVE beets, so I relished this salad. The goat cheese was a perfect combo as was the dressing. It was a balsamic base - and perfectly balanced.

But lunch was not without its share of boobies. Check out the statue next the the water fountain that I had the pleasure of viewing throughout my lunch. 

Below is the sculpture gal that I "had lunch with." It's a good thing she gets to go topless - or completely nakey in this case...it was warm out there and it's not like she can hop in the fountain right behind her.

I had a wonderful day and then came home. My hubs picked me up at the metro station bearing a dozen peach roses and...Colt 45. Yep, you read that right.

(He likes to tease me and he has a goofy sense of humor...just do you're not too horrified, you should know that he also had a bottle of Moet-Chandon...everyday is great day for champagne in my book! I've got a kick butt hubby.)

He thought the Colt 45 would be funny...and we've never tried it. What is malt liquor anyway?? I'm going to have to look it up. It tasted like very weak, watered down beer.

I chose the dinner place...and I chose Cracker Barrel. I know...not what you'd expect for a big celebration, but to me, celebrations are also about having exactly what I want, and today, I wanted chicken fried steak with grave, fried okra, hashbrown casserole and turnip greens. Mmmmmm good. (Except for the turnip greens.  Forgot that I don't care for Cracker Barrel's turnip greens.) Everything else was great.

So, here are my boobies one year later. The scars look good. The lumpectomy scar is (almost) barely noticeable as are the scars over the nipples. I can only see the port scar on one side.

As far as feeling goes...none on the left side with intermittent feeling on the right. The numb sensation is hard to describe. It's akin to touching a limb that's asleep and being aware that it's being touched without being able to place the location of the touch. The other oddity is that the touch has a feeling of "distance" to it.

Even when I can sense something on the right, sometimes the sensation is pleasant and other times its painful. I do have what I call "phantom" pains. I've noticed the the area on my right side right above my armpit and onto the arm is oddly, slightly numb as well.

My right side especially still acts as a "weather balloon" - very accurate in predicting rain. I kid you not! What's the old saying? "Right as rain."?

I still think that my left side implant has shifted or dropped. I know that they are both 425 cc, but the left side looks smaller...not that I'm complaining.

The only other thing is that I still do not sleep on my stomach. I thought perhaps that would come back as it was my favored way to sleep. It just feels too odd. It's like I can feel the implants directly on my chest wall. Eewww. Don't like it at all.

Overall, I'm completely thrilled with the new tataz. After all, they are cancer free...and make my clothes hang really well. I'd say that I don't have to wear a bra...which, technically, I don't. However, the truth is, I wear one all the time - even to bed. I don't think I posted pics of what I call my "booby harness"...there's somthing comforting about it now. Plus, they put my implants under the skin, not under the muscle. Gives a nicer appearance apparently - and less painful - but there's more of a chance for droop.

*FREE* 30-minute Session

I'm celebrating!

It was one year ago that I had my double mastectomy, that I became "officially" cancer free. I now consider it a "second birthday".

I am actually celebrating two BIG events, and I invite you to join me. The BIG EVENTS are…

1. My one-year anniversary of being Cancer Free … official date:  July 19, this Saturday!

2. The Official Launch of "Soul and Success"

In fact, I'm celebrating by giving something to YOU…and here's how you can HELP CELEBRATE:

1. Take me up on the *FREE* 30 minute session – instructions on how to get yours is below

2. Pass this offer on to your friends…there's no obligation here. I just want to celebrate!

(To make this EASY, just refer your friends to this page. You can also email me and I can send you a detailed page about the sessions, me, etc, etc. Click the Email Me Link in the top left.)

3. Raise a glass of whatever you like on the 19^th in a "Toast to Healthy TaTas" – and to your own health and well-being

4. While you're toasting, say a prayer and hold good thoughts for all those still facing whatever their difficulty may be.

How to get your *Free* 30-minute session:

· All you have to do is send an email to: info@soulandsuccess.com or just click the Email Me link in the upper left of the page.

· In the Subject Line put: "Celebration Session"

· In the email put: Your Name, Your Email, and Your Phone number so we can either call or email you to set up the session

That's it! There's no obligation for anything. I've been given much and want to give back.

I also wanted to keep this short…so, if you'd like more info…or if your friends want more info, email me at one of the addresses mentioned above. I'm happy to email you more info.

There's more on the sessions below.

To your Soul and Success…and to Celebrating life and lessons learned,

All my best!

: ) Sandra

WHAT CAN YOU GET OUT OF A SESSION?

If you're asking, "Is this right for me?" Here are some thoughts on that.

If you feel at all called to do this… If this stirs your spirit, sign up now. (Hint: Desire is a divine indicator. Desire is kind of like GPS – it's "God's Positioning System".) Follow it!

Second, it's a celebratory gift…what is there to think about? Join us in celebrating. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain…plus, these are going to fill up so quickly.

These sessions are for you …

• If you'd like some answers about a nagging health, business, or relationship problem. . .
• If you're mired in a replay loop of confusion, doubt or fear…you know what I'm talking about - the same problem or fear over and over and over again. Kind of like Ground Hog Day or a bad penny.
• If you're having boundary issues (time, relationships, etc.)
• If you need help interpreting a dream or other spiritual signs or symbols . . .
• If you've got spiritual "weirdness" going on and don't know who to talk to about it . . .
• If you want to go from "in fear" to "in gear" with your divine mission in life . . .
• If you're ready to stop struggling, get unstuck, release confusion and fear, and live a soul-based life of freedom, ease, and health using your innate spiritual gifts – like your ability to intuit, heal and create…

You're going to LOVE your 30-minute Celebration Session. It's a 30 minute, one-on-one soul reading.

This session can take any direction you like. It can cover one direction or many. My intuitive gifts are at your disposal for whatever you wish.

We can do dream work, spiritual patterns, success patterns, or tweak energy leaks, or you can ask about your health. You also ask about starting a business, creating info products, educational materials, or writing articles. It's your session to do with as you wish.

JUST FYI…

**In a session, I only give information about third parties as it relates to you. I do not "look" into anyone without that person's express permission. It's a violation of boundaries.

**NOTE: Any health insight is not a substitute for regular medical care and information. I do not give medical advice or knowledge. I simply point out the spiritual aspect of physical issues. I strongly believe in allopathic (regular) medicine. I've never worked from an either/or perspective, and I don't advocate this stance for others. I especially don't come from that point-of-view in my work…or in my personal health, and I never recommend that others do either. I am not a doctor nor do I play one in these readings.

ONE YEAR - Time to Celebrate!

I'm celebrating!!!

And, yes, I did have champagne this evening - love champagne! (I really like the Barefoot Bubbly...very drinkable.) I also bought myself flowers. (I'm currently at a hotel in St. Louis...thus the plastic cup vase.)

My hubs is in the country (that's why I'm in St. Louis)...he's taking me out to celebrate Saturday - the 19th is the "official" one year anniversary. We're not sure where we're going...but, of course, I'm thinking that chicken breast might be on the menu for me, maybe a variety of melons for dessert?

Even though the official date is the 19th, Saturday, I couldn't help think of where I was on this Thursday one year ago. I can't believe that one year ago today I was having a double mastectomy! It seems wierd...on several counts, one of which is that time can pass so fast...warp speed. (Yes, I'm a big Star Trek fan...just wish they could fix things like cancer with one of Bones' medical gizmos.)

Wednesday night, I was again thinking about where I was the year before...and even though I was comfortable and confident in the decision to have the mastectomy, just the thought of where I was "the night before the big event last year" made my stomach and heart do a flip. I could still "feel" it.

I remember being both calm and still scared...a strange combo. I remember a lot of people talking about how "brave" I was, and I remember thinking, "Ha...if they only knew." How is one brave when one thinks there's no other choice?

Courage?? Perhaps. I say "necessity" and the willingness to do what's needed. (My daddy always said I had the tenacity of a bulldog...maybe that was it.)

I remember going in that morning...no makeup this time. See, I think the "going without makeup part" was BRAVE!

(I didn't want to have to take it off afterwards. Didn't want to have to use the arms. So, I don't know how brave that is...it's more about the avoidance of pain.)

Either way, I thought I deserved some champagne and flowers. We have to be nice to ourselves...these "tatas" deserved a toast. (We dinged them with the cups...they didn't feel a thing.)

THIS IS WHAT I REMEMBER ABOUT THURSDAY A YEAR AGO...

What I remember is the overwhelming urge to turn and run once I got to the check-in counter. Logically, I knew the surgery was the right thing for me to do and was good for my health. I trusted my doctors, but there was another part of my brain telling me I had lost my mind to let someone cut off body parts!

I was okay once I got into the prep room. Then, I felt myself starting to panic once again, and this time, I just started running through my visualization in my head.

I spent the rest of the day in a morphine stupor...Thank God for Morphine. I spent the next two weeks on a steady stream of Vicaden...I wasn't taking any chances with the pain. (Thanks to my friend Sara, who's also a nurse, for briefing me on pain protocols. And thanks to Dr. Tunney for turning me onto visualization and shamanic wisdom in healing!)

I will be speaking more and more on shamanic healing in the future. I've been remiss not to share. Truly, the shamanic techniques and knowledge and being introduced to that world not only reintroduced the world of my childhood to me, I credit it largely with the results we got with the cancer and surgeries..and I credit it very much for my peace of mind. Plus, all the great nurses and doctors I had, and the entire staff at Newport Hospital. (I've said it before and I'll say it again, I firmly believe in the use of both allopathic and alternative methods in healing. I don't understand all this either/or argument. Why not the best of both? Do what works.)

Lots of people have asked what I did...I will be sharing. I've been hesitant to do so, and not any more. Part of this whole experience from pre-diagnosis despair to the diagnosis and surgeries has been about owning who I am no matter what - no apologies.

I feel like I've been given a second chance. One thing I know for sure...I had searched for years for my Life Purpose to no avail. Part of the reason I was so disturbed by the possibility of cancer - aside from the fact that I didn't want to meet the Reaper any sooner than is natural - the reason I was so distraught was that I felt I hadn't found my Life Purpose yet. I didn't feel that I had found and accomplished what I was put here to do.

While I never would wish cancer, or even the mental torture of the possibility of cancer, on anyone, I can say that I wouldn't trade the experience. I've learned a lot, gained a lot – and yes, some of what I gained was in bust size. (Who can blame me?  I figured if I was going to have them off, may as well do some "redecorating".)

I've gotten very clear on my Life Purpose thanks to cancer. Actually, I credit my experience with cancer for leading me into a deeper knowledge of myself and the firm knowledge of why I'm here and what I'm to do...which I'll be sharing with you as well.

I officially launched my business today, "Soul and Success." I'll share more on that in another post...and to celebrate that launch, I'm offering *FREE* 30 minute soul reading sessions. I've been given much. I am grateful, and this is my way of giving back. Email me at the link on the top left to claim yours. Include your name, email and phone number.

(I'll be putting more info on sessions in the next post. I'll also be sharing about the 'real deal' about why I went silent on this blog for so long.)

I've also got another project I want to launch...I'm really excited about it. It involves direct assistance to women with breast cancer. I was in a great situation financially when I got breast cancer. But I know that other women, like one of my aunts, weren't. Managing cancer is hard enough without having to deal with financial worries or bills or how you're going to pay for groceries. It should never be a "treatment or light bill" kind of thought. Never. This project is my soul-ution. You'll be able to help!

So, lots to celebrate.

Most of all...I'm just glad to be here and to be healthy and to have found something I LOVE to do, something I was meant to do...my Life Purpose.

Two years ago when this whole ordeal started, I don't know if I could have pictured my current gratitude - or state of grace, really. I was so upset, angry, confused, and terrified.

But that is where I am now most of the time....grateful, at peace, and excited to be alive!