One year ago today, I got the news...
The assistant walked in and laid the paper with the results on the counter. Normally, I'm a very nosy person. Not this morning. I had a feeling. So, I decided to just wait until Dr. O'Connor came in...and when he did, he picked up the paper, looked at it, looked at me, and said, "It was cancer."
Even though I half expected it due to the dream nine months earlier, it was still a bit of a shock. I will never forget the look on my hubby's face. I felt awful for him. (And, no, that's not some misplaced sense of duty and putting others before myself...believe me, I was scared for myself.)
I don't care if you're the one going through the ordeal head first (or boob first) or if you're the one watching, I don't think anyone wants to see loved ones in pain.
Dr. O'Connor continued to talk as he checked his work at the lumpectomy site. I heard him mention "radiation", "caught it early", "5 weeks", and all I that I can see is the second dream. It kept flashing through my head...this was a dream that I had after the first one that told me I had cancer. Except, I had not understood this dream until this moment. (This is the dream where I had seen the inside of my boob scooped out with bright white light filling the space where it had been scooped out.)
I now knew what that dream meant.
Then Dr. O'Connor told me exactly where they found the cancer within the specimen they took. It was exactly where the little man in the 1st dream had said it would be.
When he told me that, I knew I wanted my boobs taken off and replaced. The doc seemed a little surprised at my request. He told me it was possible to do, but he said I should go home and think about it first then come talk to him in a week.
My guess is he was surprised that after all those months of draggin my heels and debating what to do, that I'd be that drastic and even be that demonstrative about it. Plus, it is an extreme thing to do or have done, and he is wise, of course, to advise me to think about it. But, I was certain...not thrilled about doing it, but certain that's what I wanted to do.
Mom asked the doctor about treatments and how this would affect insurance...I was just hoping there'd be something around to be insured. After all, my aunts who had been diagnosed around my age had not fared too well.
Insurance for me at this point was the double mastectomy. That's how I saw it...that's how I still see it.
It's one year later and I do not regret my decision or the experience. I miss having sensation, but I have a bit on the right hand side, and I'm hopeful that it will regenerate. Both nipples seem to respond to temperature, which I didn't think was supposed to be possible.
To me, the nipples look a little funky, one's bigger than the other and looks stretched out. After taking these pictures today, I'd swear the left side looks smaller, looks like it may have moved to the left because if I squeeze them together they look the same, but...I know for a fact that they are the same size.
(After all, it says so on thier I.D. Cards.)
Here are the boobs as of May 8, 2008 almost ten months post-mastectomy and one year post-lumpectomy. All scars are looking pretty good.
The left one (your right) looks a little lower, not as full...there should be an air valve or pump on the side of these tings for refills.
Yes, I know the saline start that way, but really? Would that not be practical...some type of under-the-skin refill valve.
It would be possible on Star Trek.
This is the right side scar. The scar over the nipple is barely visible. I remember when it was bubbled up, and I was afraid it would stay that way.
Why celebrate the anniversary of my diagnosis???
To remind myself of where I was this time last year...and also to remind myself that I am one heck of a strong woman!
I am grateful to be well. Actually . . . I am grateful to just be.
